This past month I went to a recovery treatment center for addiction. Below are three of the lessons I learned whilst there. Whilst I may have been slightly Delulu and only barely holding onto sanity, I hope these nuggets of wisdom make some sense and may hold value for you.
“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
I am large, I contain multitudes. – Walt Whitman
1. In meditation class Joe from Hella Meditative brought in these ‘Spiritual AF’ cards (gimmicky IK), and the one I got said, “you are not your situation” and asked me to consider what was my deeper self. I’ll be honest guys, the first week in rehab I came in with all cylinders firing, I was a bit of a star, which is kind of like saying I was the brightest kid in the special needs class. But I digress, in this first week I felt like I had really connected with my authentic self; and as I was prompted by this card to look for my inner self I found that this “self” I was looking for was nothing I could grasp. I wanted it to be some sort of set of virtues or philosophical statement I could tie or hold myself on to. What I saw when I looked inside was a shifting mosaic or a constantly changing constellation of traits swirling in my soul. The most true me is the opposite of something set in stone yet in some way it is more permanent than stone. My authentic self is not mine to grasp, it is me, ephemeral but omnipresent. What am I? I am everything that makes me Jesse. The love, the fear, the hope, the anxiety, an infinity of emotions and valences. This mosaic in perpetual flux. I cannot grasp it but it my job is to be true to this shifting pattern, to express it openly, and listen to it. I am a facilitator, a channel, a link to the cosmos. During the whole next hour of the meditation session I cried with amazement more than anything else. This whole time I had been looking for something outside of myself to feel whole. Whether it be weed or Adderall or a girl to obsess over. I was sure that my inner most self was the a certain combination of amphetamines and booze or obsessive love to get lost into, I was sure it was something I needed to seek and hold onto tightly. Yet in that hour I cried with the knowledge that all I needed was within me this whole time. I don’t know how much sense this makes and words fall short; but sometimes you just gotta trust the feeling more than the words.
“If you can think of times in your life that you’ve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves. To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend. Or a tiny child of ours that we absolutely loved more than life itself. And I think it’s probably possible to achieve that. I think part of the job we’re here for is to learn how to do it” – David Foster Wallace
2. To be a friend to myself. One of the promises I found myself making in rehab was that I would not go through the rest of my life in an abusive relationship with myself. My self talk is rather insane a lot of the time. Whether it be “I fucking hate myself”, “don’t be such a f@***t”, “I wish I wasn’t so fucking re*arded.” These are some of the thoughts that pop up as an absurd defense mechanism when I remember something embarrassing or cringey, or genuinely damaging that I did. Obviously I knew these thoughts were an issue and generally don’t relish them. But a few days into treatment I realized that a big part of the reason why I was there was to deal with and work with these thoughts. We are on this earth for such a short time, and if I have to spend the next however long I have dealing with these kinds of thoughts it’s going to follow me into every relationship I have, it will inhibit the development of improving my self esteem, and generally limit me as a human. Over the course of my time in treatment it became absolutely clear that I nor anyone deserves to live like this. That in this life I want and am willing to earn the privilege of falling in love with myself again and again, even after bad days, even after cringey and embarrassing moments I want to learn how to look in the mirror and to know that I am deserving of love and that love is something I can give myself. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I love isn’t my looks or my weight, or the clothes I’m wearing but what I love is the Jesse I am trying to be; even on a day when I fail badly, perhaps especially on that day. The thoughts still pop up of course; but I feel like I am able to laugh at or acknowledge them, or often times just offer an apology to myself. “I’m sorry the feelings are so hard Jesse, thank you for sitting with them and we will figure this out, patience friend.”
When you get all you want and you struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass
-Dale Wimbrow
“The mentality and behavior of drug addicts and alcoholics is wholly irrational until you understand that they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have structured help, they have no hope.” -Russell Brand
3. Addiction is a lifelong condition. I relapsed because I forgot that I have no control over weed and that my life becomes unmanageable. I was sober from weed for almost 600 days, and when I used again I picked up exactly where I left off. A great line I heard in a meeting today was “Using again for the first time is a choice, the rest is a disease.” My addiction is something I have to live with for the rest of my life; somehow, I have to make peace with the fact that at some point down the line I crossed an invisible line with weed and I cannot ever use it and maintain any semblance of free will. Like a diabetic who needs regular insulin; I need regular meetings and a supportive community to remind me to not pick up. Serious addiction isn’t something that there is a known cure for, it can only be arrested. There will always part of me that wants nothing more to be stoned, miserable, and avoidant; and that part of me is waiting for the weak moment when I forget the living hell my life turns into when I pick up again. “While you’re in here you addiction is doing push ups in the parking lot.” Is a line often repeated in 12 step meetings. This is a condition for there is no known cure, the best I can hope for is an indefinite pause; but there will always be a part of me that wants to press play on that horrid movie; even though as all addicts know and John Mulaney’s doctor a said to him, “we both know where this movie ends.”
Thank you for reading, I plan to post a lot more often so feel free to put your email if you’d like to get notified when I emerge from my delusional slumber and by some miracle accidentally type something worth reading.
I really love what you are learning about addiction and the way you are fortifying yourself against relapse.
There is so much wisdom in the recovery community – please continue to share as I always learn so much when you do.
It’s a mighty struggle against self-loathing, but be careful to avoid the false solution of grandiosity, often disguised as “great!”. That’s no good either.
These days I aim for doing okay. An “I’m fine”-ness, “I’m going to try to handle this” -ness that carries a satisfying undercurrent of perspective and belonging.
Much love, Willa